I recently re-discovered myself and found the person I have been avoiding for over 12 years.
In 1995/96 I went through a very ugly divorce…the second in 17 years. Although I made it back on my feet in a couple years, it took all these years since and my children, now adults, are still suffering from the fallout. Two of the five children are speaking to me, however our communication and heart felt talks are not very long or heart felt. I still pray for all of them every night. I can say without pause, I still believe in them and one day having a solid and meaningful relationship…just not today.
The big step for me has been in releasing the pain and anger in the silence. I do not receive many calls, the few I do receive have been via text mail to wish a Merry Christmas but rarely just a call to say “hello Dad, I am thinking of you and I miss you.” It’s been hard to swallow but I was not innocent of blame and equally responsible for the fallout. I just couldn’t get my head around the fact that any good I had done was always washed away by anger and bitterness in the hearts of the ones I loved the most. The harder I looked the more it evaded me the truth and reason for my suffering and pain, was in my anger in the silence.
I realized I was suffering from the most deadliest poison of all… unforgiveness.
I am sure of one thing today….I have a God that is mightier than the poison of unforgiveness and shadows of anger in the silence that follows me wherever I go. The sacrifice He gave for me… it was only then and now still, each time I think of my son Tommy, the son I thought I lost, I am reminded, of unquenchable fiery, unending, compassion and LOVE…the son who the Father freely gave for the lost in the dark to follow. In the silence it was then I realized it was when I was down and miserable and angry and lost….it was there waiting for me to receive it, albeit not deserved, it was still there for me, in the silence was my God and Father speaking to me, my spirit and soul felt surrounded and in the warmth of embrace I could hear His voice, telling me of his unending Forgiveness and Love.
I walk today finally free! I am free from the fallout of the events of my past. I am no longer afraid of the “…anger in the silence” following me. I am no longer hindered by the pain. Jesus is my resolve and my salvation. He was there for me before I ever was….
Today I walk with a newness in my gate, many songs in my heart, and forgiveness in my spirit, forgiveness that only I could give…forgiving myself, forgiving those who failed me, forgiving any and all the calamity that has ever befallen me, now just silence remains…I hear silence…
…It’s when my mind is silent and not filled with worldly things, it’s when there is the silence in my spirit, the silence I once hated…that’s where I found I can hear the small still voice. The voice of comfort and the voice of reason that says, “Tomas, my son, I love you, I always have, and I always will, I have never left your side. Your anger in the silence is the reason you could not hear my voice. You could not hear my words of comfort and reassurance, your mind and spirit were filled with poison, you could only feel hatred and bitterness and pain. I was there then and I am here now, I am here when you are hurting, i feel every pain, I am here to walk with you through your struggles, I am always there,…just listen to your heart speak, for it is in step with my heart and my love for you. Listen to the heart I gave you the day you became mine, the day I created you….and now your journey in life continues…and in the silence there is only forgiveness and Love and PEACE.