For all those souls who can relate, reliving my past in my mind daily has brought me away from my faith and into a lonely wandering. I had felt the love from my family and friends but something has been missing. I begin each week to think I am going to be OK again because of the rise in my spirit and countenance each Sunday at church, but then as the days go on I fall back into that rut and sense of loss and loneliness.
I want to reach out for help but feel my arms are just not long enough. At times my journey is so long I feel like stopping where I am, lying down and giving up.
It feels like every time I read the news there is another story like mine without hope or recourse. As terrible as I feel, my heart reaches out to that other person but my throat is dry.
When I think about helping others using my story, my mouth runs dry and my legs go weak. I find myself looking for a place to curl up and hide until it passes. The fear and guilt I live with.
I wonder if there are others like me looking for a way out, a leg up, a trusting hand to reach out to. Who will help me out of this bottomless pit of suffering I have living inside of me?
I Praise God I found a light and hope for my life. It just came to me when I was in my darkest hour. While surrounded with feelings of inadequacy, guilt and emotional grief, right when I felt a weight upon my chest so heavy I struggled to breathe, He came to me.
I can’t put my finger on it, but I didn’t cry out any magical words like a spell or chant.
I was in my thoughts meditating while in my suffering, searching for some peace, and I heard a faint voice, but it was not an audible one, more like one I heard as if in a dream, if that makes sense.
The voice at first was not something I could make out but then as I drew my focus away from my suffering the words became clear to me. There were three words that kept calling out softly, “believe in me.”
I didn’t think it was God at first, maybe my own thoughts deep inside, the good and strong persona trying to get out of the penalty box, telling me to believe in myself.
The more I went in that direction I felt I was falling backwards or slipping away from the seemingly audible voice and it became faint again.
I decided to try reading my bible to see if that would bring me comfort and help the words become clear again, especially since over the years reading the bible over and again, I always walk away with a sense of peace from reading it.
I found comfort in Romans chapter 8, and it was more specifically a good reminder to me, verse 15 “for you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.” and also verse 26, “Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. 27 Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God.”
I am discovering my faith has been lacking for the reason of my separation from God, rather than any specific sin or evil set upon me. Regardless of my regular attendance at my church, my keeping distance from my regular readings as I did many years ago, I believe is the reason for all the weight of sin, guilt and shame that had returned into my life. Trying to hide from it myself or showing it to others around me, I just made it worse.
Now I know that voice instructing me to “believe in me”, has been the Spirit of God reaching into my mind and inviting me back to a place where I found peace and joy for so many years. I don’t know how I became so far out from the path I once trod, but my heart and soul longs for a comfort that can only be a spiritual one from deep within.
I am on a path unlike the one in ministry I held before when I was so devoted to my reading the Word. I find it challenging at times to make time to read or study. With my recent revelation, which brings relief, I have decided to reclaim my dedication to reading and prayer lost to the cares of this world and everything in it.
I renew my vow of commitment to His word this day and its reading, as a new diet and eating a regular healthy meal three times a day brings the body into a good rhythm. So I pray, His Spirit remain within me and at my side, to keep me on this new path and help me from deviating from its direction and blessings.