Forgiving my brother…when I don’t want to forgive…when he doesn’t deserve it!

In my family there are six of us supporting my Mom’s housing and personal care.

Without going in too deep, she is 82 and in her declining years…a few years ago she had a stroke but she is better now and still the Mom I know.

When she was not doing well in a senior living home, we decided to bring her home. This was a big decision, one that we all committed to help spread the financial cost.

We refurbished her mobile home to a newness that rivals real houses, with all new appliances a roll in shower, a full time live in caregiver and all the pleasant accommodations she deserves.

This commitment grew financially over the years and my share is now at $675.00 per month, for some of us, where other family members the cost is reduced, who are living near Mom & provide weekend care giving to give the live in caregiver a break.

After a few years one of my family members became unemployed and stopped giving all of his committed share cost. So the burden fell on the others.

Well now that brother stopped giving almost altogether, down to a token couple hundred dollars. This caused the family savings account to go broke, paying for his share while he did nothing to help or pay it back.

WE became bitter and angry at first because we knew Mom let him live with her as he went to college and paid for his food and housing, he finally got married and moved out while in his 30’s. What the rest of us can’t figure out is even though he received his Master’s Degree as a CPA he said he could not find work…for two years.

We all have given until it hurts and more is still required for additional costs that come up.
Now many of Mom’s pleasures are gone. Like internet, her food allowance in addition to food stamps, only basic cable, no money to give presents or even a card to her 6 children, the grandchildren, or great grandchildren, even if she wanted to.

With all that said and as my sister Maria manages Mom’s affairs, (A true saint) and continues to send emails to my brother Sandy, who is not paying his shared amount, the emails go without a positive response.
Each time I am CC’d on one of these emails, I cringe in my flesh because of the disgust with my brother’s lack of action and support for Mom. I must remind myself each day that I am a child of God, a soldier in an army with a higher calling, one of Peace, Love, and selflessness when it comes to helping others.

With that said and after receiving a response email from my oldest brother, who responded with inflamed words towards my brother Sandy, I felt I had to send this response email below:

WebHolyman’s response…

I have a few words to share here and not just to Romolo, so please ALL of you listen to me please!

Although Romolo verbalized what I was thinking and how I really feel towards Sandy as well, I keep reminding myself of the following:

Maria, I am not telling you to stop emailing Sandy with your words of instruction and encouragement, please keep doing this.
I believe God honors our commitment to Mom in our providing for her when she cannot provide for herself, it’s GOD working through us to bless his obedient servant who honored her commitment to us when Dad left us and when she was alone and suffering, yet unwavering in her faith to keep us together and raise us to be good people and how to love and forgive others…. but more so now WE can honor Mom by our walking through this test of love and faith and obedience to GOD and our desire to please him…each day, minute, hour, when we choose to forgive. He completes the work in his time.
We must continue to forgive (our job), by faith, until the work of forgiveness (the Lord’s job), is done in our hearts.
but WE need to forgive Sandy for his attitude towards Mom’s financial needs because in the bible it tells us God will NOT/CANNOT hear our prayers otherwise because we have sin in our heart…..and I pray a lot!
If we forgive, our prayers are heard……I talk to God in my own way and when I do this, I share the fleshly man that I am and my fleshly thoughts with Him as I pray and lift my voice to God…..every single day without fail….if I did not I feel I would be lost…once again!

My daily prayer re: Loving my brother
Father God, I ask you to forgive me for my thoughts this day and I ask for forgiveness for my brother Sandy; for not keeping to his freaking commitment, for his freakin laziness, for his disrespect, for his unthankfulness, for his belligerence and all the pain and suffering he has caused this family. I know forgiveness goes against my nature because I don’t want to do it, and I struggle daily knowing your word instructs me to forgive by faith, whether we feel like it or not. I pray…beg you to help me to trust you to do the work in us and in Sandy, that needs to be done so that the forgiveness will be complete. Help me to be the person you made me to be …loving others…including my brother, because you loved me when I was still the same belligerent asshole and you forgave me and loved me when I was a prisoner in my mind, against obedience and living by faith. Help me to walk by faith help me to pray when I can’t find the words, when my heart is cold and my spirit feels dark towards my brother, Likewise bless my brothers and sisters who give of themselves tirelessly on a daily basis and work hard to provide for their families, bless the work that they do and keep them safe this day, In el nombre de Jesus Christo, Amen!

I love you all and my heart and prayers are with US daily…to be the people Mom raised us to be but more so to be the LOVING people God desires us to be.

Let’s ALL see where we can each dig a little deeper to provide Mom with the few things she is asking for.
Maria please put an accurate list together with the title and cost of each of the things Mom is asking for.
I want to help become the solution to the need instead of (by nature) wanting to throw Sandy in the fire…he’s already in hell! …that’s the problem.

All my Love,

Tomas (aka WebHolyman)

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Sunrise…a cool wind on my back, a new day of service ahead of me

When I asked the Lord to make a way for me to go to Mexico with my church group to help the people of Ensenada, Mexico, I received my answer in just days of my request. I only mentioned my desire to my wife Amy and a couple people, Bruce who leads the teams, and Cheri who is a dear sister in my church. Well the Lord must have laid it on Cheri’s heart to work on my behalf because without my knowing it she had orchestrated a fundraiser to help pay for my trip. Long story short, I received more than the money I needed to go, and from only a small handful of loving and charitable souls.
~Thank you Jesus! Bless those who gave and those who prayed for me in support. ~

4-30-2011 Ensenada, Mexico – I’m sitting on a deck atop the roof of the 3rd story YWAM building, it’s almost sunrise. To the left of me I hear the water breaking on the beach, to my right, the sunrise coming up over the mountains.
~Thank you Father for this beautiful morning! ~

I got up at 2:30 am, after tossing and turning from pain in my back and knees. I decided to go exploring. It was better than laying in misery. As I made my way down the ladder of the bunk I was in, after only two or three steps down, I decided to take a short cut and fell the rest of the way to the floor. “Crash!” or more like a loud “Thud”. The noise woke most of the men up, asking if I was OK. I reassured them I was fine as I apologetically walked to the door and left for a walk on the beach.

The sky was dark but I still could not see as many of the stars as I thought because of the light from the city and surrounding area. The street lights reflected the brilliance of the whitecap of each wave coming in and breaking on the beach. I walked along staying about two yards from the water on water packed sand. The tide was out quite a ways but quickly coming in again. I walked towards a lifeguard tower about a hundred yards from the street a little south along the beach from where I began walking on the sand. I climbed up the ladder of the tower, holding on tight with each step as not to repeat my earlier climbing experience. I stayed there for quite a while staring out at the water, looking to the left and then right at the water breaking, listening to the waves breaking is not a quiet sound but more like a loud rhythmic noise, quite soothing and almost hypnotic as the waves appear from the distance in the dark, illuminate from the street lights behind me as they come in, then dissolving on the sand, slowly coming closer in with each pass. I saw an occasional jogger or two passing by and then a man walking his dogs. I came out of my trance and stood up on the platform, stretching my back and twisting to get my body ready for the coming day. I turned and looked back towards the YWAM building and saw the sunrise was beginning its climb, coming in the distance, barely visible over the mountains. I climbed down and headed towards the base and the roof of the building, to shoot the dawn of a new day and record its beauty.

It was beautiful to watch the sunrise, with the sound of the water breaking behind me, the feel of the cool breeze on my sunburned neck and ears, my spirit excited to serve in new ways, reaching out as I can visualize doors beginning to open.

~ Father GOD, I pray you guide me with your spirit, humble me with these thoughts I keep hearing in my head, how blessed we are and don’t really appreciate all that we have. Please make my path straight for a return visit and give a blessing so in need, as I’m sure you keep hearing the requests. I feel a great love for these people Father and I hope my work done here this week will not have been in vane. Guide me, direct me, help me, to find your voice in the silence of my thoughts and dreams. Thank you Father…for this opportunity, and for the blessing of these people. En el nombre de Jesus Christos, Amen! ~


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