I keep telling myself, as each week passes it will get easier, but that’s just a lie!
Every day that passes I feel the pain. My mind plays back the video of my little boy from birth, and the thousands of moments as images of his life, racing through my mind.
I didn’t stop to record those images on paper or digitally, but they are burned in my mind. Every day I see new ones to remind me of his life as he grew up, so many of the things we did together. Then I remember so many things I missed because I was not there to protect him, fighting for custody for over a year, from the abuse happening to him at home, while I was at work, and even worse after I divorsed his mother.
The mental illness he suffered was one part of his pain, the PTSD from all the child abuse at home, for years, was the other half.
On my visits with Judah as an adult suffering with his deamons, at times our visits were normal encouraging moments, however, most were spent listening to him babbling about things that made no sense at all. When ever he mentioned his mother in a our conversations, it was with disrespect and a very apparent hatred of the woman. I am searching for both, a way to honor Judah, and healing from the pain of his loss.
Time is not my friend. I’m afraid it will never stop the hurt. I don’t want to stop my powerful recall of the pleasant memories of him, but the more recent struggles leading to his passing are equally powerful and ever present memories, I am torn between them.
I pray God, for your mercy and strength, to guide my mind and heal my painful memories and help me to use them for good and to help others like Judah who are still here suffering. Guide me oh Lord!
Below is the video I played at his memorial. I am still slowly working on producing a video of the service held on Friday, August 3rd, 2018. It was exactly one month following his death. I want to thank all those who came to pay their respect and share the love they experienced with Judah. It meant a lot to you but even more to me, his father. I also thank Pastor Thomas Kidd and Pastor Mark, for sharing their kind words and providing spiritual strength.
More to share in the coming days…but for now just remembering!